Losing you

Sometimes I do feel like I’m not worthy of grieving, or of any kind of sympathy. Yes, I had a miscarriage. But I was only 6 weeks pregnant when I lost my baby. Some people suffer much worse. They hold those babies. They give birth to them and then have to leave the hospital without them. Some have to go to hospital for heartbreaking procedures. All different kinds of experiences, all with the same outcome – no baby to take home. But in actual fact, it’s not a competition. It’s all relative to you. There is no limit to your grief and there are no rules with this. I never met this particular baby of mine but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about them or wonder what they’d be like. I’m so very grateful for my girls – and I would not have our Pixie now if it wasn’t for what happened with my previous pregnancy. But you do still catch yourself thinking about what could have been. 

In all honesty, I don’t remember much about the time surrounding losing my baby. I remember going home from the hospital and crying with my husband. I remember drinking wine. I remember squeezing Luna so tight. I remember my sister giving birth to my niece that very week, and being in a maternity ward surrounded by babies. I held this tiny new baby in my arms just a few days after finding out I wouldn’t soon be holding my very own baby. You must take time to grieve in your own way. And don’t feel guilty about doing so. You have every right to feel the way that you do.

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